There are two things which I can’t accept about myself in these past 6 years… my age, and that I’m divorced.
Maybe because I didn’t come from a “perfect” family I tried my all to make my life closer to perfect since I was 17. The lack of rules, while I was growing up, made me eager for having something to follow. I also didn’t have a religion while growing up, and I felt the desire to know what God wanted from me. At this age, I met the Church that was just perfect to what I was looking for.
I got married when I was 21. I thought that finally, I would be able to have that perfect family I have always dreamed about. I had two amazing years of marriage, but the last two other were more challenging as people change, and what’s good for me maybe is not any more to the other person. We were from the same faith when we got married, but later he realized that this didn’t bring happiness to him anymore. These beliefs were important to me so we realized that although we were good friends and got along well, sharing a life wasn’t the best thing to us anymore. Even though things ended up friendly, it still hurt me and I closed myself from this. I came to the USA and here I told myself that I wanted to start again, and no one–except my best friends– would know about my past.
I have realized that keeping this as a secret and not telling people my age has to become a burden to me which I don’t want to carry anymore.
I feared rejection for telling the truth. I feared people judging me as a bad person for being divorced. I feared being judged as “complicated”, “she must have a problem” for being 31 and single. After having suffered the ultimate rejection of the divorce, I tried to protect myself from being rejected, again.
But the truth is, this is me. All these experiences have helped me to become who I am. If someone wants to be my friend this person will have to accept me for what I am. I have been through hell, yet still turned well.
Why do I do this in social media? I do this so I won’t go back from the decision I have made today to accept who I am, and to not hide these two things from people anymore. I decided in 2016 that I wanted to tell everyone the truth, yet I didn’t stick to my word as I didn’t have the courage.
I love this talk from Sister Stephens from 2016: “They suffer from broken covenants, broken hearts, and lost confidence. These experiences, though no fault of their own, have left many feeling guilty and ashamed. Not understanding how to manage the powerful emotions they experience, many try to bury them, pushing them deeper into themselves. Hope and healing are not found in the dark abyss of secrecy but in the light and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Complete healing will come through your faith in Jesus Christ and His power and capacity, through His Atonement, to heal the scars of that which is unjust and undeserved.”
I may have cried all day long because tomorrow is my birthday and I feel like a failure for not being married, having all those four kids, and still be going to school. But these things shouldn’t define me. I still want those things, but things happen at a different time to each of us. Please be kind to others and don’t let your expectations to them make them feel miserable. That’s all.