By Samandra

This week was super exciting. I was invited by Mary Ann Horne, aka Muchacha Mary, who is the makeup guru for the segment The Place at Fox 13 News, to take the behind the scenes pictures of the show that was aired at 1 pm. The show featured a family that has a 5-year-old son with leukemia and intended to bring awareness to Childhood Cancer.

This was the first time that I have been to a TV Studio, and being a big fan of media, this was such a cool experience for me.

Something funny that happened that day is that I heard someone saying “Portuguese”, I was like, I speak Portuguese! So I started to talk to this 70ish man. He was reading a Harry Potter book in Portuguese. He told me that he served a mission to my church 50 years ago on my State in Brazil. Later he told me that his son was being interviewed on the current show. His son comes out from the recording room, and everybody starts to crowd around him wanting for a picture. I had no idea who he was until I posted a picture of me and him on my Instagram stories (see it here) saying “I don’t know who is him, but everybody wanted a picture with him, so I got mine too. lol” Then, someone replies me saying that he was Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk actor! Crazy uh?! I’m terrible with celebrities faces and names, and I had no idea that I was close to someone as famous as him.

I grew up skinny in a country of curvy women, and this wasn’t easy on me. While going to school, it seemed that all the other girls had a prettier body mine. My eyes couldn’t stop noticing and comparing their bodies to my own. They had thicker legs, while I could almost see the bones of mine. They had a round knee, while I could see mine popping up. They had a round booty, while my bones hurt me if I had to be seated for a while. I could count my ribs, and I had a flat stomach.

I got a lot of nicknames for being skinny, such as a stick, cricket, broomstick, and so on. I don’t really want to dig more to remember all the other nicknames they called me, as just thinking about it my stomach sick. People often think that pointing to someone how skinny they are is not a problem. But I disagree. I think that the same way that you shouldn’t point out that someone is fat, you shouldn’t point out that someone is skinny. You may that a skinny person is okay about that, but you don’t really know how this person really feels about it.

A minha vida toda fui magricela, num país que é cheio de mulheres com “corpão”, e não foi nada fácil pra mim. Na escola, parecia que todas as outras meninas tinham um corpo mais bonito que o meu. Meus olhos não paravam de comparar o corpo delas com o meu. Elas tinham pernas grossas, enquanto eu podia quase ver os ossos nas minhas. Elas tinham um joelho que não era ossudo como o meu. Elas tinham bunda, enquanto eu não tinha nada e doía quando sentava. Eu poderia ver minhas costelas, e não tinha barriga nenhuma.

Ganhei um monte de apelidos por ser magra, como vareta, grilo, cabo de vassoura, e aí vai. Mas nem quero pensar mais nisso e tentar lembrar dos outros apelidos que me chamavam, porque só de pensar me deixa pra baixo. Muitas vezes as pessoas acham que não tem problema algum ficar falando sobre alguém ser magro. Mas não concordo. Da mesma forma que a gente não deve ficar chamando os outros de gordo, também não devemos ficar chamando os outros de magro, ou por alguns desses apelidos que machucam a gente.

(Me when I was 7 years old)

My wish was then to be like those women. I wanted to have those curves. I envied girls that were overweight. I wished to have thicker legs, a protruding belly, and a round booty. So I started to do some exercises to gain weight. The unhealthier the food was, the more calories it seemed to have, and that was what I would choose to eat. Besides the exercises to gain weight (which weren’t many that I knew) I didn’t exercise so I wouldn’t lose weight.

I did so many other things to gain weight which now I know now that it wasn’t good for my body, although, I didn’t gain weight, and I got some health issues for doing it.

Five years ago when I left Brazil, I was weighing 88 lbs. Although I’m 5’’, this was considered underweight. The meal habits here in the States are different from Brazil, and that started to help me to gain weight. Here in the States the main meal is the dinner, while in Brazil it’s lunch. As I was used to the Brazilian way I had a bigger lunch, and then I would have dinner with the family I lived with. In Virginia, I reached 110 lbs and later in Utah, I reached 118 lbs. These last few months I have lost weight, and I’m back to the 110 lbs. I realized that 118 lbs was a little too much to me, and I have been feeling good about my current weight.

I took a class of Science of Wellness last term at BYU which taught me the skills to exercise, eat healthier, and maintain the weight that you want. I liked it so much that I decided to take a Nutrition class this Summer term. I have learned so many things that I never thought about, and I realized how much I have mistreated this body that has been done so much to me.

I have been exercising, choosing healthier meals, slowing down, reducing stress, and so many other things that have improved my quality of life. Having learned so much lately I had a great desire to share these things with others, as I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this. No matter if your goal is to lose or gain weight, or just to keep as you are, I think that I have some good insights to share to help you to be happy and love your body.

What has been your struggle? Do you wanna share with me?

Tudo o que mais queria então, era ser como essas mulheres. Eu queria ter um corpão. E eu invejava as meninas que eram cheinhas. Eu queria ter pernas grossas, queria ter pneuzinho, e bunda. Eu fiz alguns exercícios pra ganhar peso. Quanto mais gordurosa uma comida parecia, mais calorias devia ter, e isso seria o que eu iria comer. Tirando desses exercícios pra engordar (não tinham muitos) eu não me exercitava pra não perder peso.

Eu fiz tantas outras coisas pra ganhar peso, e muitas que hoje vejo que não eram nada saudáveis. Acabei não engordando, e acabei com uns problemas de saúde por conta das minhas escolhas.

Cinco anos atrás quando eu saí do Brasil, eu estava pensando 40 kilos. Apesar de eu ter 1,50, eu era considerada desnutrida. Os hábitos de alimentação aqui nos EUA são bem diferentes dos do Brasil, o que contribuiu pra eu começar a engordar. Porque aqui nos EUA eles tem a janta como a refeição principal, e eu ainda não me desacostumei dos hábitos de almoçar algo grande, eu acabava almoçando e jantando algo grande. Quando morei em Virginia engordei e comecei a pesar 49 kilos, e depois aqui em Utah fui pros 53 kilos. Acabei perdendo um pouco de peso nesses últimos meses e estou de volta aos 49 kilos. Mas me sinto melhor assim, já que acho que 53 kilos tava um pouco demais pra mim.

Eu fiz uma aula na faculdade onde estudo no semestre passado chamada Ciência do Bem-Estar. Aprendi tanto nessa aula sobre se exercitar, comer saudável, e manter um peso que você quer. Eu gostei tanto dessa aula que resolvi fazer uma aula de Nutrição nesse semestre. O legal das faculdades aqui, é que mesmo que você estude algo totalmente não relacionado, você pode fazer aulas do que quiser. Na verdade, algumas aulas desse tipo fazem parte dos requerimentos, já que você precisa aprender um pouco de tudo.

Eu tenho me exercitado, comido coisas mais saudáveis, descansado mais, reduzindo estresse, e tantas outras coisas que tem melhorado minha qualidade de vida. Eu aprendi tanto nesses últimos semestres que pensei que queria compartilhar aqui com vocês, já que sei que não sou a única que passa por coisas assim.

[português abaixo]

I went twice to San Francisco last Summer. I had planned before with my friends to go to SF for about four times, but it never happened… I needed to renew my passport at the Brazilian consulate so I was happy to have a good excuse to go on this trip by myself. The second trip I got to meet with old friends, and it was so good to be there again with people I enjoy spending time with. Both trips were great, but I think that the first was the one that taught me how to love people, how to love everyone.

On the first trip, I met some Brazilian girls whom I became friends through Facebook, and also hang out with a girl from Latvia, whom I met at the hostel where I was staying. We went to cool places, visited touristic places, and took a bunch of pictures – one of my favorite things to do! Then I found out myself again, in situations where I had to adapt myself to new people and make new friends, which was great!

Living in Utah I learned to be more dependable of people to do things. While I was living in Virginia, I used to do a lot of things by myself. Not because I didn’t have friends – I had great friends while I was there, and I did a lot of things with them. But very often I wanted to do things on my own, or if my friends didn’t want to do something that I wanted, and if our schedules didn’t match, I would just do what I wanted by myself. There were actually many times that they told me, “next time you go to D.C. let me know that I want to come with you”, and I would just go and not tell anyone.

Going to San Francisco after a long time without doing things on my own was a bit scary at first, but it taught me something so important that it probably wouldn’t happen if I was with my friends in that trip: it taught me how to love everyone.

And when I mean love, I mean the real love, that pure feeling, that’s good. That feeling that makes you want to do good to people, that makes you want to understand why they do what they do, to feel compassion for their sufferings, and accept them as they are.

My last day in San Francisco while I was walking to the train station I saw this street crowded with people, everyone doing their own thing. There were people that seemed that were going to work, other that were shopping, lots of tourists taking pictures, lots of LGBT couples, homeless in the streets, people from many different countries, languages, and cultures. Basically people with different colors, sizes, and shapes. All of them together in that same big soup called San Francisco.

Seeing all these people, many of them doing things that is different than what I think and do, I was in shock at first. I’m too used to the people in Utah, who seem so similar to each other, and even to myself. But later it came to my mind a thought that changed it all. I started to think about their lives, where they came from, the reasoning behind their choices, what makes them happy, and more importantly, it made me think that they are all children of God. The same God that’s also my Father.

Seeing these people through this lens changed the way I think. I could feel real love for them, even though they are so different from me, and do things that I don’t agree. I realized that after all, we all are looking for something in this life. We want to feel good, we want to feel happy, we want to feel loved. Of course, there are difficulties in this life, which makes us feel depressed, hopeless, and choose things that actually will lead us away from our ultimate goal. But in essence, we all need to be loved. For what we are, in the way that we look, and with whichever choices we make.

If I am an expert at loving people now? I am not. It’s a constant process. But I think that what matters for me is to keep trying, and learning with my failures. One thing I can tell you, I am a better person than I was yesterday. And that’s what matters most.

—-

Fui duas vezes pra São Francisco no verão passado. Tinha tentado por umas quatro vezes pra ir pra lá com meus amigos, mas nunca deu certo… Eu tinha que renovar meu passaporte no consulado, e essa foi a desculpa perfeita pra eu ir numa viagem sozinha pra SF. Na segunda viagem eu me encontrei com alguns amigos das antigas, e foi bom demais passar tempo com pessoas que eu gosto. As duas viagens foram ótimas, mas foi na primeira viagem que eu aprendi a amar à todos.

Na primeira viagem eu me encontrei com umas meninas brasileiras que conheci no Facebook, e também com uma menina da Letônia que encontrei no hostel onde eu fiquei. A gente foi em lugares legais, visitamos aqueles lugares turísticos, e tiramos um monte de fotos – uma das minhas coisas favoritas! Então me achei de novo em situações em que eu tive que me adaptar às novas pessoas e fazer novas amizades, o que foi ótimo!

Morando aqui em Utah, eu acabei ficando mais dependente das pessoas pra fazer as coisas. Quando eu estava morando na Virgínia, eu fazia muitas coisas sozinha, e eu amava isso! Não porque eu não tinha amigos – eu tinha bons amigos lá, e eu fazia muitas coisas com eles também. Mas muitas vezes eu queria mesmo era fazer coisas por conta própria, ou se meus amigos não quisessem ir num lugar que eu queria, ou se nossos horários não se encaixassem, eu só ia e fazia o que eu queria. Na verdade, muitas vezes eles me diziam “quando for em D.C. a próxima vez me avisa que quero ir com você”, e eu só ia e não falava nada pra ninguém.

Ir pra SF sozinha depois de tanto tempo sem fazer coisas sozinha foi um pouco assustador de começo, mas isso me ensinou algo que provavelmente eu não teria aprendido se eu tivesse ido com meus amigos: me ensinou a amar à todos.

E quando eu digo amar, eu digo aquele amor de verdade, aquele sentimento puro, que é bom, e que motiva você a fazer o bem para as pessoas, que faz você entender o motivo das escolhas que fazem, de sentir compaixão pelos sofrimentos deles, e aceitar as pessoas como elas são.

No meu último dia em São Francisco, enquanto eu caminhava para o metrô, eu vi essa rua cheia de gente. Cada um fazendo as suas coisas. Tinha gente que parecia estar indo pro trabalho, outros que estavam fazendo compras, um monte de turistas tirando fotos, e olhando para os lados em admiração, um monte de casal LGBT, mendigos nas ruas, pessoas de diferentes países, idiomas, e culturas. Basicamente pessoas de todas as cores, tamanhos, e formas. Todos naquela mesma sopa chamada São Francisco.

Ao ver todas essas pessoas, muitas delas fazendo coisas que não são algo que eu faria, ou concordo, eu fiquei meio em choque de começo. Acho que estou muito acostumada com Utah, onde as pessoas são muito similar com as outras, e comigo mesma. Mas depois me veio algo em mente que mudou a forma como pensei. Comecei a pensar sobre essas pessoas, sobre as vidas delas, de onde elas são, o motivo as escolhas que fazem, o que as fazem felizes, e mais importante, pensei que todas essas pessoas são filhos de Deus. O mesmo Deus que também é meu Pai.

Ver essas pessoas através dessa lente mudou como penso. Consegui então sentir amor por eles, mesmo eles sendo tão diferentes de mim, e fazendo coisas que não concordo. Entendi então, que no fim, todos nós estamos procurando por algo nessa vida. Queremos nos sentir bem, feliz, e amados. Claro que existem barreiras no caminho como depressão, vícios, e falta de esperança que acaba nos afastando do nosso objetivo final. Mas em essência, todos nós precisamos nos sentir amados. Pelo que somos, com a aparência que temos, e independente de qualquer escolhas que venhamos a fazer.

Se agora eu sou uma expert em amar pessoas? Não sou. Isso é um processo contínuo. Mas eu acho que o que importa é continuar tentando, e aprendendo com as nossas falhas. Mas uma coisa posso te dizer, eu sou uma pessoa melhor do que eu fui ontem. E isso é o que realmente importa.